# Boyfriends Racist Dad



## xoxredefined (Jul 12, 2009)

I dont really have anyone to talk to about this situation and my boyfriend thinks im just over reacting a little.

Its a difficult situation to talk about how long he and I have been together for, but its currently at the stage where he wants to get engaged. He brings it up all the time and we talk about the future and having children a lot. So were in a pretty serious relationship. Were both in our 20's. I am West Indian (Black)-Canadian born in Canada and he is Serbian-Croatian born in Serbia. His partents were born overseas, had him and moved here. 

I have never had a serious problem with his parents. They dont like having his friends in their house so I never go into his house when his parents are home. I dont mind. He used to live on his own for school. but something happened and until it is resolved he is living with his parents. I have met them on several occations but not for long amounts of time. One day I was talking to my boyfriend and I asked him if they have ever talked about me. He said not really. When someone says not really, then there has to be a yes in there somewhere. So I told him to tell me and he told a little story which implied that his father was racist. It came to a surprise to me because even though his parents were never talkive to me they and more importantly, his father, never seemed racist towards me.

Then the other day I was invited by my boyfriend into the house for a couple minutes so he could grab his things and head out. His dad was in the shower and his mom was in the hall as I walked in. I said "Hi, How are you?" and she just said "Im fine." Again, very quite towards me with very short answers. She then started to say something in Serbian to my boyfriend and he says ok and we left. Then I asked him what she said and he said "Said she now is not a good time". 

My boyfriend always asks me to come inside his house but I keep telling him I dont want to feel like I am intruding their space and will not go in unless I am invitied by them or they are not home (ie. at work, or vacation). He gets a little upset that I dont ever go inside when they are home, but I feel it is the right thing to do.

When my boyfriend comes to my house, im used to my mom talking up a storm with him about anything and everything! So im not really used to his quick short answer that I receive from his mother. And the fact that his father is racist really unsettles me and upsets me. My boyfriend said him and his father have had 1 or 2 converstations about me and each time my boyfriend stood up for me because his father would call me "that black girl" and wouldnt use my name ever even though he knew it.

*Questions:*
How do I get past this with his parents?
Is it possible to get his dad to accept me for being black or should I just not care and just focus on my boyfriend?
Am I just over reacting like my boyfriend thinks I am?

Let me know your experience!!

*Any help and input is greated appreciated *






(Im sorry its so long. I tired to get the main points in there and still missed a lot of information. But I hope it was enough for people to understand my feelings)


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## Shimmer (Jul 12, 2009)

Love your boyfriend the  best you can, and treat him right.  If you're judged for anything other than your love for him, and respect for your relationship, then boo on the person doing the judging.

But by no means do I suggest tolerating open disrespect from them either, don't be a doormat, but don't ever be anything other than the best to him you can.


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## gildedangel (Jul 12, 2009)

Just focus on your boyfriend, don't worry about his parents too much. Unless you did some action that really ticked his parents off off, then as Shimmer said, shame on them for judging you.


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## Tashona Helena (Jul 12, 2009)

^ Couldn't have said it any better, Shimmer.  They can not judge you a single bit if you're being the best gf you can be, and you don't do him wrong at all.  If they want to be that way, then let them.  You should just focus on your bf.  Sometimes parents have to grow used to gender, race issues, you can't just force it upon them.  Just show respect every time that you do have to go in the house (kill them with kindness!) and it will eat them up knowing that you're being nice to them and they're being so rude.


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## Tinkerbell4726 (Jul 12, 2009)

I never really post that much, I am mainly a lurker but this jumped out at me cuz this is my story too! My boyfriend is greek and his mother has issues with me because I'm not. His dad has been nothing but nice to me the whopping 4 times I've seen him in the duration of our 4 year relationship. Just the other day the boyfriend told me his mom refers to his friends as beneath him. Friends=me considering most of his time is with me. She talks crap about my parents because they don't have college educations.

I know how you feel and it hurts so bad. I know I will marry my boyfriend at some point but knowing his mother will never except me is a hard pill to swallow. My whole family has met him and loves him, I met his yaiyai once and she wouldn't look at me/acknowledge my existence. 

The only thing that comforts me is knowing despite this my boyfriend tries hard to make it known I'm going nowhere. I know that regardless if his mother approves or not he loves me wants a family with me and if she want's no involvement it is her loss.

I'm sorry your going thru this, I know firsthand how badly it hurts to be in this position. If you ever need support pm me, I'm in the same boat as u!


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## Mabelle (Jul 13, 2009)

Tinkerbell & xoxorefined, i'm sorry you both have to go through this.  I can only imagine how shitty/uncomfortable it must feel. Be glade your boyfriends dont sit around and let them talk trash though. 

Refined; don't feel guilty for not wanting to go to the house. If you're bf doesn't understand that a racist parent and the cold short dismissive atmosphere don't seem inviting that's his problem. If you want to marry him, it might be time to have a conversation about how things might go in the future with his parents acting like this. That being said, i agree 100% with shimmer and everyone else; love your boyfriend, treat him with respect. But if he can't see why your so upset/uncomfortable,  don't set yourself up for a future of heartache either.


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## xoxredefined (Jul 13, 2009)

Ladies, Thank You so much for all your reply's! They truly made me feel better about the situation.

*Tinkerbell4726*_,_ I'm glad this thread jumped at you and you replied to it! Im sorry your going through this as well!! Its not exactly a walk in the park. But like the others said, as long as we treat the men in our lives right, thats all that matters. And the same goes for you. If I could be of any help to you, pm me 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Again, *Thank You all* for your helpful replys! I appreciate them all!


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## lukinamama (Jul 13, 2009)

maybe his mother doesn't speak English well and that could be reason for her short answers?I wish you good luck with them.(I am Serbian too
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




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## mern (Jul 13, 2009)

Is your boyfriends name Nem or Nemonya? Just by chance?


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