# Trying to make this right.



## MissMarley (Feb 17, 2006)

I'm 5'9", 130 pounds. A size 4 or 6, generally. Yeah, I know. 
But here's the thing. I'm a "recovering" bulimic. I want this journal to be kind of an accountability thing for me- if I know people are going to read it, then I want to work hard. I want a better relationship with food (yes, I'm in therapy...ugh) and I want to learn to enjoy exercise! 

So here are my goals:
Exercise 3 times a week
Drink MUCH more water (at least 2L/day)
More fruits and veggies
Not hide my eating
And of course, not throw it up. 

So far...I did my "cardio house cleaning" today (carrying the vacuum up and down the stairs, scrubbed the whole house top to bottom for an hour)
Ate a sandwich with chips, small glass of Coke
One liter of water
One granola bar

If you read this, I would much love your encouragement. But if no one reads it, that's ok too. This is my "healthy" journal. Many times I've seen journals from recovering eating disorder patients that focus on the illness and their readers encourage them to continue in the disorder...I don't want to live like that anymore.


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## Shawna (Feb 17, 2006)

I'll read it for you.  My cousin almost died from bulemia when she was a teenager.  The stupid thing was that she was a stick to begin with.  It's a hard disease to wrap your head around.  Good luck and I promise to check in here as long as you keep posting


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## IslandGirl77 (Feb 18, 2006)

I hope the best for your recovery. I'm sure you'll get alot of support here.


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## Glitziegal (Feb 18, 2006)

I know nothing about bulimia, but I'm here to help and support by reading and posting regularly.
You have made a positive step, and the only way is forward now.  I believe in you!


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## Shawna (Feb 19, 2006)

How are you doing?  You haven't posted in a couple of days..........


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## MissMarley (Feb 19, 2006)

Ok...I ate three meals yesterday- english muffin for breakfast, sandwich for lunch,taco salad for dinner...and proceded to get very drunk with a bunch of friends. We decided to have a dance party, and it turned into a workout session- now I'm not sure how effective drunken workouts are, but it definitely got my heart rate  up, and made me sweat! 
It was interesting- there was a girl there that I'd never met, and she had a seriously amazing ghetto booty- she was bigger than I was, but I wanted my body to look like hers, because she was so curvy and toned. I thought that was really positive- I never liked that before- I didn't want or like curves of any kind. But she just looked so healthy and gorgeous. Haven't purged in a week, which is amazing for me- it's a big change from several times a day. Therapy is ok, I really hate it. But I'm getting more into exercise, and it makes me feel more postive and "in-touch" with my body. 

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. You have no idea how much it means to me.


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## Glitziegal (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:

   Originally Posted by *MissMarley* 
_Ok...I ate three meals yesterday- english muffin for breakfast, sandwich for lunch,taco salad for dinner...and proceded to get very drunk with a bunch of friends. We decided to have a dance party, and it turned into a workout session- now I'm not sure how effective drunken workouts are, but it definitely got my heart rate  up, and made me sweat! 
It was interesting- there was a girl there that I'd never met, and she had a seriously amazing ghetto booty- she was bigger than I was, but I wanted my body to look like hers, because she was so curvy and toned. I thought that was really positive- I never liked that before- I didn't want or like curves of any kind. But she just looked so healthy and gorgeous. Haven't purged in a week, which is amazing for me- it's a big change from several times a day. Therapy is ok, I really hate it. But I'm getting more into exercise, and it makes me feel more postive and "in-touch" with my body. 

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. You have no idea how much it means to me._

 
That is such a positive thing to appreciate curves when you used to dislike them.  You are doing really well from the sounds of things.  
Try to post daily so we can keep encouraging you.  

Keep up the good work chickie


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## Jennifer Mcfly (Feb 20, 2006)

I'll be here reading as well, as I am keeping my own healthy journal as well! I have some of the same goals as you:

Drink More Water
Exercise three times a week
Eat more fruits and veggies

So, I'll be here supporting you


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## Shawna (Feb 20, 2006)

I'm happy to hear you are doing ok.  I was worried when you didn't post for a few days.  Please keep us updated


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## MissMarley (Feb 20, 2006)

One of the worst things about recovery is retraining my body in how it is supposed to handle food. Either my stomach goes into revolt mode and I feel so nauseous I can hardly stand it, or my whole digestive system clamps down onto the food I give it and won't let go (if you know what I mean...very unpleasant). I'm home sick today because I ate three normal meals yesterday and spent the rest of the night retching. I know that it won't be like this forever, but it really sucks. So no exercise today. Stayed in bed, read magazines, self-tanned, and watched House Season 1 dvds. Going to try to eat a sandwich tonight.


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## user3 (Feb 21, 2006)

Take it one day at time.

Is there maybe a meal plan that the DR. can give you to follow that will help get your body use to food again?

You know we are here for you!


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## MissMarley (Feb 21, 2006)

well, he's mostly trying to get me to eat three small meals, with occasional snacks. i didn't do very well today- i helped some friends move, and they bought pizza to thank us, and i came home and purged it. 

this is really hard.


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## Janice (Feb 22, 2006)

I can't imagine. I know you're trying hard, it sounds like if you can get the psychology of "good" food choices and intake amounts down then you should be able to overcome this thing. Just wanted to let you know I am reading and supporting you!


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## rcastel10 (Feb 22, 2006)

It sounds like if you're on the right track. Just keep it up and I'm sure you'll reach your goal.


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## Pushpa (Feb 22, 2006)

u'll make a slip up here and there but u keep trying and things will get better 

just rem to try ur best not to beat yourself up become an asset to yourself


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## MissMarley (Feb 22, 2006)

is anyone here on antidepressants? i've been on effexor, cymbalta (gave me hallucinations), zoloft, and paxil. none of them made me not depressed- they made it so i didn't want to kill myself because i didn't care enough, but now the paxil isn't doing anything at all. i'm calling my psychiatrist now, but i wondered if anyone else had antidepressant experience


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## user3 (Feb 23, 2006)

Gosh hun I really wish I could help you out but I know nothing about those. I think Mac_addict_77 has used one them.


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## MissMarley (Feb 24, 2006)

my doctor switched me to wellbutrin today. i'm feeling really jittery- wanting to just crawl under my desk and cry. i hate everyone and everything. i want to go home, but i'm afraid to be by myself. this sucks.


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## Janice (Feb 26, 2006)

Finding the right meds can be a difficult process 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




, how are you feeling today?


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## Shawna (Feb 26, 2006)

Doesn't it take at least 2 weeks for the meds to start working?  I think it might with anti-depressants.  It might even take up to a month


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## MissMarley (Feb 26, 2006)

i'm gradually feeling better day by day- i'm really tired, and pretty jittery, but no where NEAR what it was. thanks for your support, dears.


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## lovejam (Feb 26, 2006)

Quote:

   Originally Posted by *Shawna* 
_Doesn't it take at least 2 weeks for the meds to start working?_

 
Yeah, but the funny thing about that is it takes about two weeks to feel the benefits, yet it seems to take no time at all to feel side-effects.


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## MissMarley (Feb 27, 2006)

so, anyone know why you're not supposed to drink while taking wellbutrin? i always drank with all my other a/ds (elavil, effexor, cymbalta, zoloft, paxil) and never had a problem- but it seemed like friday night i got blasted way faster than usual!


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## user4 (Feb 28, 2006)

Quote:

   Originally Posted by *MissMarley* 
_so, anyone know why you're not supposed to drink while taking wellbutrin? i always drank with all my other a/ds (elavil, effexor, cymbalta, zoloft, paxil) and never had a problem- but it seemed like friday night i got blasted way faster than usual!_

 
it could be a different chemical that reacts a different way with alcohol. different meds react differently with alcohol and other drugs and stuff. 

 Quote:

   Originally Posted by *MissMarley* 
_well, he's mostly trying to get me to eat three small meals, with occasional snacks. i didn't do very well today- i helped some friends move, and they bought pizza to thank us, and i came home and purged it. 

this is really hard._

 

about ur progress, it is very difficult to change something you are so accustomed to and way too easy to fall into old habits. the one thing i can tell u is try not to over eat because that will cause ur stomach and digestive system to react wierd... u need to easy back into a normal eating habit. so i would say try eating fruits for breakfast. something light that will fill you up but not be too heavy on your stomack. drink a lot of liquid like water and juice (because juice have a lot of vitamins you may need as long as its all natural) and try to avoid sodas and stuff. for lunch try to stick to small stuff like sandwiches and nothing to fatty because it might cause a reflux in your stomach that might make you throw up. for dinner try light stuff like chicken and veggies or pasta and a little sauce. i had a friend who recovered from bulemia and she told me the easiest thing was when she felt the need to purge to drink water and talk to someone about something else. cuz u need to get that feeling out of your head... u need to be healthy... ur on the right track, you cant be hard on yourself. its a process!!! i'll def be here to try to encourage you!!!


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## MissMarley (Mar 1, 2006)

fucking wellbutrin, i just got out the hospital for seizure/fainting shit brought on by the med. i'm not taking it anymore, they're putting me back on zolft.


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## Shawna (Mar 1, 2006)

That sucks 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




  It is so hard to mess around with medication.  You just never know what the side effects are going to be.  I hope that you are feeling better soon.  How are things going otherwise?  Are you able to eat now?  Or do you still have the bad gag reflex?  Let us know......


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## MissMarley (Mar 1, 2006)

Here's the scoop:

I had a major reaction to wellbutrin this week- i have always had trouble with low blood pressure and hypoglycemia, and wellbutrin caused those both to plummet. i passed out on tuesday afternoon. woke up, ate something, then started throwing up. this whole time i was shaking, but dripping with sweat, and finally was so dizzy that i couldn't stand up. i finally just started sobbing and telling nate that i couldn't live like this anymore. we called the emergency line for my psychiatrist's office, and the person on the line told me to go immediately to the hospital. 

in the emergency room, they did more blood work and urinalysis, and came back and told me that abruptly stopping paxil and starting wellbutrin was basically poisoning me- and they pumped me full of medicine to keep me from having a seizure, which was the first concern. 

next came medicine to stabilize my blood chemistry and that hurt. then it was some sort of xanax-like substance to keep me from screaming as they kind of detoxed me. 

i was really upset about being in the psych ward- i wasn't threatening to hurt myself, and told the doctor that. the nurses in the ward were really unpleasant for the most part, and i shared a room with a recovering narcotic addict who was detoxing too. i didn't really sleep- it felt like my organs were melting or something, and i soaked the bed in sweat. finally this morning my doctor came back (not just the er doc) and said that I was obviously not a danger to myself or anyone else, and discharged me. 

i'm now on a detoxing regimen of pills to get everything out of my body and they put me back on the zoloft, which made me feel better (the reason my psychiatrist took me off is because he didn't think it was effective in controlling my eating disorder, but nothing is- only behavioral therapy works for that). My bloodwork is being constantly monitored. 


My dad is flamingly angry, he's a pharmacology professor and threw a fit when he found out that the doc took me off paxil cold turkey and started a new class of medicine immediately. It was really scary- the doctors told me I could have had a seizure, or it could have made me suicidally psychotic. Thanks for your prayers. I've been sleeping all today, and am ready to go back to bed.


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## Shawna (Mar 8, 2006)

How are you doing?  It's been more than a few days since you posted here.  Are the new/old meds working better?


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## lovejam (Mar 8, 2006)

Oh my god, that's horrible. I'm glad you got help, though. I'm also glad that you've posted FOTDs the past couple of days, because that means you're okay.

If the other doctors and your dad knew that stopping Paxil and starting another drug right away made you this sick, maybe you can sue that doctor. Obviously, if other professionals know what that can do, he should have known too.


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## pumpkincat210 (Mar 8, 2006)

Quote:

   Originally Posted by *MissMarley* 
_so, anyone know why you're not supposed to drink while taking wellbutrin? i always drank with all my other a/ds (elavil, effexor, cymbalta, zoloft, paxil) and never had a problem- but it seemed like friday night i got blasted way faster than usual!_

 
Its terrible for your liver!!!  Can cause Cirrhosis.


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## MACmermaid (Mar 8, 2006)

hello...i am reading your posts and wanting you to know i'm sending positive thoughts your way. i hope you are feeling better each day.  it might take a lot of work, but things can definitely get better.

i work in the mental health field and was wondering if you have tried/have thought about trying a more intensive type of outpatient treatment program - they are called either day treatment programs or structured outpatient programs.   these tend to be especially helpful for eating disorder treatment, b/c they combine the cognitive-behavioral techniques with support from people who are going through the same thing.  just a thought...

at the very least it might be good to see a new psychiatrist if you haven't already.  i wonder about a psychiatrist who thinks there is an antidepressant out there that will control an eating disorder (i think that why you said he originally took you off the zoloft).  

at any rate, please hang in there and let us know how you are doing!


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## MissMarley (Mar 8, 2006)

yeah...i haven't been posting here because i've been trying really hard not to think about it. the psych ward was an ungodly nightmare. i've thought about outpatient treatment, but the closest place that offers it is two hours away. behavioral therapy is working well- i'm mostly just having problems with detoxing from paxil and wellbutrin now- i'm tapering off paxil and am on zoloft steadily. it's getting better. i'm pretty short-tempered though, and that sucks, because i'm not usually like that. i'm definitely going to be looking for a new psychiatrist.
thanks for the thoughts, my friends. it means a lot.


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## user4 (Mar 9, 2006)

i'm glad things are getting better... how could a professional doctor put you in that kind of danger, i am glad you are looking for someone new. i am so sorry you had to go through that. like trying to stay healthy isn't hard enough, they have to go and make it harder... hold on there... we're all behind you 100%. i hope the eating is getting better... just take it one step at a time hunni!!!


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## asraicat (Mar 9, 2006)

have you ever considered finding a naturopath doctor to help detox your system...they would recommend a much more gentle detox regime than using  drugs to remove other drugs *sigh.* (a flawed system for certain)

you are doing well!! keep patting yourself on the back & be grateful for the small things- they add up & become the bigs things that become everyday 'normal' behaviour.  

whole grains, baked, not fried foods & healthy soups will help you avoid nausea.  try eating very small amts every few hrs- fruits, veggies, grains, proteins.


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## Pushpa (Mar 9, 2006)

i agree with the small amounts of food all the time

you're doing great 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




i would really suggest making eating a fun occasion like with friends and family laughing and talking...with ppl there to encourage you and help you things will get better


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## MissMarley (Mar 12, 2006)

well, it's still going- i'm having to get adjusted to all sorts of things, and it's difficult. little stresses that i would normally laugh off seem huge- so it's going to be a long road to get back to "normal". food is really hard right now- i ate twice today, and have been sick twice. this is all a lot harder than i thought it would be.


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## user4 (Mar 14, 2006)

it's not going to be easy honey... but imagine when u get through it... you'll look back at the huge accomplishment and be so happy that you were able to put that part of your life behind you forever... things will get easier with time...


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## Wattage (Apr 15, 2006)

Marley - I wanted to let you know that I too am reading your posts. Coming forward and being open about your illness and treatment is so amazing. I am in awe of your self awareness and courage. 

Please keep posting - anything - random thoughts, bad days, good days. As I am sure you are aware, all this business can really make you feel "off". Know that as you heal, things will get easier as you get stronger. 

Don't give up... and don't forget we are here for you.


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## MissMarley (Apr 15, 2006)

It's been a bad few weeks. I'm incredibly stressed out with work, buying a house, and this week my best friend told me he's moving several hours away- in three weeks. So I'm kind of a wreck.

And the food just won't stay in my body at all. I don't even have to do anything- I just have no desire to eat, what I do eat comes right up, and I don't want to get out of bed. Thank goodness for silly little things like my cats and playing with makeup and the internet- if this was real life, I wouldn't be able to be around a bunch of people. But here, I feel connected, but still safe. Anyone else like that?


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## Wattage (Apr 17, 2006)

I totally know what you mean. Sometimes I turn to the net because of its anonymous nature. I have found Specktra, particularly, to be very warm and welcoming. Definitely a refreashing change. Having pets as well is the most amazing therapy, imo. I was raised on a farm and when I moved to the city for school, I was pretty depressed. Last year, my SO and I rescued a kitty from the SPCA. He is the love of my life. Just playing with him and seeing that I can make him happy by loving him makes me happy. I have seen pics of your kitties and they are so cute. One of them has really cute white paws (I love paws for some reason)! 
I am glad you are here and have found something to share with us all - love of makeup!! LOL - they weren't kidding when they called it retail therapy. Makeup is such an artistic outlet for me. I love Specktra because I can share that but like you, still feel safe. The world of forums seems to move a little slower - you can re-read, re-think, edit... or not say anything.


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## MissMarley (May 19, 2006)

...i haven't purged in over a month and my BMI is in the normal range!


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## Shawna (May 19, 2006)

I'm so happy to hear that!  Keep up the great work 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





  Btw, how is the new house coming along?


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## asteffey (May 19, 2006)

you rock marley. things are going to be amazing from here.


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## Wattage (May 19, 2006)

Quote:

   Originally Posted by *MissMarley* 
_...i haven't purged in over a month and my BMI is in the normal range!_

 





















 :hump: 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	













Way to go!! Keep up the great work!


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## Janice (May 20, 2006)

Yay!!! Good for you!


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## kaliraksha (May 27, 2006)

Quote:

   Originally Posted by *MissMarley* 
_...i haven't purged in over a month and my BMI is in the normal range!_

 
Just wanted to let you know that I have been reading your journal from the beginning and encourage you to keep doing sooo well! You are so strong, keep it up =)


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## farra712 (May 31, 2006)

Hi, I am really sorry to hear about your battle with bulimia and also about your trouble with depression medications.  I just started my own fitness journal and, as I posted there, my mother is bulimic and I have seen how horribly it effects her.  I am so happy to see that you are at least trying to do what you can to make a recovery.  You don't know what a difference you will make to your life if you just keep trying.  My mother has been doing this since before my older sister was born (30 years ago) and I have seen her go through so many health problems (and I have also had a lot of health problems because of her doing this while she was pregnant with me).  She has lost her teeth, broken bones from the slightest bumps, and was unable to carry my sister after giving birth to her.  She has refused help and it makes me very sad to see her live like this.  I hope that even if you slip up along the way, you will keep picking yourself up (though I know it is easier said than done) and doing the best you can and knowing that it is a disease and not something that is your fault at all.  I will pray for you and if you don't mind I will keep reading your posts and do all I can to encourage and support your recovery.   (sorry for the novel, btw)


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## MissMarley (Jun 13, 2006)

well girls, i'm still not purging, but i'm starting to get back into my bad body-image habits of telling myself how ugly and fat i am. it's bringing me down like crazy. i can't even look in the mirror, and that's how this cycle starts every time.


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## MissMarley (Jun 18, 2006)

.started purging again.


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## Shimmer (Jun 18, 2006)

Not good babe. But I don't have to tell you that.
*hugs*


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## Wattage (Jun 18, 2006)

Quote:

   Originally Posted by *MissMarley* 
_.started purging again._

 
Give yourself time... you may bounce back and forth but I know you are always getting stronger.

Keep us in the loop


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## kaliraksha (Jun 19, 2006)

Oh Miss Marley, I'm not sure how much it will help but just rememebr what we see ourselves isn't always accurate.... our mind does a lot of filtering for us... and I just want to let you know that I think you are gorgeous! Great eyes... beautiful bone structure... lovely skin and hair... and honey, I think you are toooo thin! 

I also agree with the lovely Wattage... the most important part is that you are recognizing a cycle and trying to stay ahead of it. You don't just quit cold turkey... just don't give up on yourself =)


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## MissMarley (Nov 24, 2006)

i'm trying. i really am. i hadn't purged in a while since my last post, but then did again this weekend. also have been skipping dinner every night- telling husband i'm "too tired". i'm wearing size six jeans, i feel like an absolute cow. i hate my body, i can't stand to have sex with my husband because i feel so unattractive. i exercise as much as i can, but i never feel well because i'm being so unhealthy. i feel stupid, i know it's wrong, but i can't stop. i think to myself, "i'll be happy when i fit into a size 2", but i know when i get there, it'll take an even lower weight to make me happy.


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## ToxicAllure (Nov 27, 2006)

Quote:

   Originally Posted by *MissMarley* 

 
_i'm trying. i really am. i hadn't purged in a while since my last post, but then did again this weekend. also have been skipping dinner every night- telling husband i'm "too tired". i'm wearing size six jeans, i feel like an absolute cow. i hate my body, i can't stand to have sex with my husband because i feel so unattractive. i exercise as much as i can, but i never feel well because i'm being so unhealthy. i feel stupid, i know it's wrong, but i can't stop. i think to myself, "i'll be happy when i fit into a size 2", but i know when i get there, it'll take an even lower weight to make me happy._

 
You know a size 6 is considered the "perfect" size.

Your perfect hun.

I used to be bulimic, back when I was in 8th grade and off and on throughout my freshmen year of high school. Its a hard thing to overcome, it took me awhile.

You just have to take it one day at a time.

I remember when I was trying to stop I would avoid lunch at school, come home and look in the mirror and throw a fit until I got sick from crying so hard. It was my dirty little secret, no one knew about it, and most people still don't.

Its something you can never really forget about, its a hard habit to break. I haven't purged in almost a two years now but everytime I'm in the bathroom I think about it, and whenever I go shopping and I can't find my size I think about. But in the end, its not worth it, and I know this. What matters most is I have friends who love me for me and I have people who are attracted to me for me.

Just remember that you have people who love you and what they want most is for you to be healthy. 

Also...

I suggest seeing a naturopath (yeah ok we've come to the conclusion that Tessa can't spell). Their methods are a lot lighter then regular ones and for some people they work better.

Oh!

And try yoga, if you can. It works wonders!!!


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## little teaser (Nov 27, 2006)

oh gosh i just ran across this today and im sorry your going through this but i also ran across your post in the thread about jesus and i cant help but wonder do you belive in god im not being a smart ass it just sound like to me you were spirutal so have you prayed i have battel my own demons and not from eating disorders but it took divine intervention and i think that is what you need not drugs i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers


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## MissMarley (Nov 27, 2006)

Quote:

   Originally Posted by *little teaser* 

 
_oh gosh i just ran across this today and im sorry your going through this but i also ran across your post in the thread about jesus and i cant help but wonder do you belive in god im not being a smart ass it just sound like to me you were spirutal so have you prayed i have battel my own demons and not from eating disorders but it took divine intervention and i think that is what you need not drugs i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers_

 

Yes, I am a Christian. I pray for deliverance from this, but my own weakness and sinfulness pulls me back in every time. It just goes back and forth all the time- some days, I'm confident and feel fine. Then the next day, I feel worthless and repulsive. It's always different. I do know that I have a chemical imbalance that does require medication to correct, but I do know that God will help me through this.


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## MissMarley (Dec 6, 2006)

oh lord, i just weighed myself and i'm having a panic attack and crying. my husband isn't home. i weigh 145 pounds. i'm 5'8". at this time last year i was 115 (i started therapy last november). i feel so disgusting, i don't know what to do. i wish someone was here


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## ToxicAllure (Dec 9, 2006)

Quote:

   Originally Posted by *MissMarley* 

 
_oh lord, i just weighed myself and i'm having a panic attack and crying. my husband isn't home. i weigh 145 pounds. i'm 5'8". at this time last year i was 115 (i started therapy last november). i feel so disgusting, i don't know what to do. i wish someone was here_

 

Did you know that Tyra Banks weighs 145?
And Miriah Carey weighs 150?

145 is considered "thin" for people who are in the 5'5 range. I'm 5'5.5 and last time I went to the doctor I weighed in at 130.1 lbs and he said I should gain 10 pounds.

And remember scales don't tell you how much "fat" is in your body, they tell you how much your body weighs in all. That includes bones, organs, fluids, and MUSCLE (which weighs more than fat).


Keep up the good work. Your doing great and you will beat this.


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## MissMarley (Mar 7, 2007)

it just keeps getting worse and worse...restricting food, purging all the time, constantly worrying and obsessing about my weight. i just don't see any hope to beat this anymore.


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## MissMarley (Mar 9, 2007)

i hate everything. my best friend moved to nashville this week, ten hours away. he's the only one who supported me and helped me. it was really unexpected too. it was supposed to be a trip to a conference, and he decided to stay there for good. i hurt so bad. i just want to hurt myself all the time. purging, cutting, starving. the medication isn't working anymore. i lost five pounds this week. actually, since wednesday. i can't keep anything down and i'm not even trying.


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## Femme (Mar 10, 2007)

MissMarley, I've seen a lot of your pictures, and I must tell you.. you look great! You look perfectly fine and not fat at all.. I think its just all a matter of being comfortable in your own body, and being satisfied.  Because to me, you look great!

But keep trying to break out of this bad habit! I know you can do it.. just a matter of will and how much you really believe in yourself!


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## yummy411 (Apr 29, 2007)

i just came across this too ms. marley.. how are you feeling..?? it's been about a bit over a month since you last posted.  in  your pics you look so beautiful and the makeup is gorgeous, you have great skill.. to learn this breaks my heart.. but there is still hope because you are still here... we know you can do it! go marley go marley go marley!
	

	
	
		
		

		
			











 hang in there chica!


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## Krasevayadancer (Apr 29, 2007)

Marley, I totally understand your struggles. Eating disorders consume and sometimes you feel like the only way you can cope is to take solace in your disorder. I would love to talk to you on aim or through pm. I would love to share experiences.
Pinkdance1 if you have aim. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



Hang in there, I know its rough but support helps.


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## MissMarley (May 4, 2007)

thanks for asking girls...not too well, honestly. i have a psychiatrist appt. to be weighed again and have my medication adjusted on monday. i'm purging regularly and feeling pretty sick. i'm also having a big relapse in depression/anxiety


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## hoemygosh (May 4, 2007)

MissMarley, I just wanted to let you know that earlier this year i started struggling with anorexia. i lost over 25 pounds now. I thought i was going insane. everytime i was around food i would get terrible anxiety. It's almost as if i had this notion that food was the worst thing ever. I don't know how i became this way. But it was horrible. I can hardly go out to eat anymore. Because food makes me uncomfortable. It's weird. And just like you, I'm going through this without my best friend. I'm doing it without anyone, i wish my boyfriend was here, but he's in iraq. my mom thinks im crazy. hahaha. I guess the best thing that can help you overcome this is support, are you thinking of going into  a rehab? if it really gets that bad you should think about it. because bulimia is no way to live. sorry for venting a little bit, I should be giving you advice. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. & you CAN get through this. =]


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## hoemygosh (May 4, 2007)

by the way, your gorgeous!!!


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## MissMarley (May 4, 2007)

i just can't do this anymore. i cut up and down my side tonight, over a foot of cuts. i haven't eaten all day and i'm shaking, but i'm drinking like crazy. i'm drunk. i can't stop crying. i hate everything. i want to hurt myself so that the people who i love who hurt me will feel pain too. oh god, where are you? where are you?


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## Hilly (May 4, 2007)

call 1800 suicide
Its a line that is 24/7 with people that can help you right now!!!!!!
It can help you TREMENDOUSLY!
Please do it!


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## Hilly (May 4, 2007)

Its one thing for any of us to say, dont cut yourself, dont purge, etc. Its hard, but please call someone to come over and spend time with you right now. Friends, family?
Just being with someone or getting a hug is going to help !


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## MissMarley (May 4, 2007)

my husband is here, i'm not going to kill myself. i don't want to kill myself. i want to hurt myself.


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## Hilly (May 4, 2007)

the suicide hotline is also for people in crisis. anyone can call no matter what


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## Krasevayadancer (May 4, 2007)

Marley, please. Talk to someone. I think I can speak for everyone when we all say we are worried


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## MissMarley (May 4, 2007)

i appreciate you guys. i'm on the phone with my best friend right now. i talked to my husband for a while when he got home too. i'm just so fucking lonely. i'm going to be ok. i have an appointment with my psychiatrist on monday. i think something is really wrong with my meds. i've been going up and down drastically for about two months. it's been getting worse and worse. i'm having horrible dreams and i wake up exhausted. so i'm really tired, my medicine is screwy, my husband has been gone constantly, and my best friend moved to nashville, 8 hours away, and it's all breaking my heart. i'm struggling. i really am. i appreciate your concern and i covet your prayers.


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## little teaser (May 7, 2007)

honestly.. i think you need help and you should consider getting treatment in a treatment center for eating disorders and mental health. do it for yourself your husband and the people that care about you.. and if you love and care about your husband family and friends ,get help.. it has to be very hard for them to see you do this to yourself. its probley causeing them to be depressed and honestly no one wants to stay around and watch someone they love self destruct and kill thereself.. its up to you to want and make the first step in getting better.. im sorry if this sounds harsh but its just my honest opinion...

yes you do want and are slowly killing yourself and it doesnt have to be this way but the choice is YOURS.. if you dont care about yourself at least care about your husband and his mental health.


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## MissMarley (May 7, 2007)

i have gotten treatment in a mental hospital though...honestly, it made things worse. i started getting better after i left. i'm terrified to ever go back to a treatment center because of things that happened there.

i am getting help from a psychiatrist and therapist. i take my medication, i do talk therapy, i go to church and pray for healing..

i want to get better. but this is an addiction, and it's deathly hard to break.


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## MissMarley (Aug 4, 2009)

It's been a little over two years since I posted in this thread....thought I'd give an update....

I am really proud to say that I haven't purged in three months. Before that it had been 5 months. I haven't cut in a year. Therapy, support from great friends and a great husband, and lots of hard work have paid off. I'm not saying that I'm totally cured- it will always be a temptation. But I look back on these posts where I was at the bottom, and I'm proud that I've come so far- even through awful situations like my parents' divorce and finding out my father wasn't really my biological dad, I've kept my health together. I'm still not thrilled with my body, but I accept that it's what I have, and I'm grateful to be alive. Honestly, one of the things that helped the most was hypnotherapy- I can't tell you how much that helped. I wanted to thank you girls who supported me and cared about me enough to encourage me to seek help- your push, along with my IRL friends and family got me here. Thank you so much.


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## NutMeg (Aug 6, 2009)

Thanks for the update Marley.

*hug*


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## kaliraksha (Aug 7, 2009)

So glad you've been doing great. Support of friends and family really goes along way. Thank you for updating us and I wish you continued success and happiness with your relationship with your body.


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