# Doing It For Me



## kpenn (May 30, 2010)

A couple of weeks ago, my very first relationship came to an end. I was stunned to find out that my boyfriend of 2.5 years had been seeing his ex for at least a year of our relationship.

I should preface this all by saying that I've always been a "huskier" girl. I wouldn't call myself fat, but I also wouldn't call myself thin. I've been self-conscious about my weight, however, since elementary school. Although I've learned to appreciate my curves more as I've aged, I've always had some nagging issues with low self-esteem related to my weight.

During my relationship, my boyfriend would frequently make reference to my weight. He was very health-conscious (and I think had some serious preoccupations with his own weight), and would often get on me about what I did or didn't eat. For my birthday, he would buy me a bathing suit so I could go swimming or new running shoes so that I could go walking. All signs seemed to point to him wanting me to lose weight. We got in a big fight one day and he flat-out told me that he would be much more attracted to me if I was thinner.

Needless to say, this had some seriously negative impacts on our relationship. I have some considerable issues with intimacy because of my own embarassment about my body. For the last year of our relationship, I would not even get changed in front of him, so sex was definitely out of the question. This certainly contributed to the cheating on his part.

After a lot of soul-searching, I understand that him and I are both to blame for the wrongs done in our relationship. He is definitely a complete ass for not loving me the way I am and for cheating on me. But, I also share in the blame. I never should have remained in a relationship where I did not feel loved and accepted for who I am. I never should have let my own low self-esteem enable someone else to make me feel poorly about myself.

Going forward, I want to change the way I feel about myself. I recognize that I need to love myself completely before I can expect someone else to. Part of reaching this goal involves me taking charge of my body and working on the things that I don't like about it. I want this to be a summer of major change involving weight loss and the acquisition of healthier eating and exercising habits. Most importantly, these changes will be for ME, not for a boyfriend, an ex-boyfriend or a future boyfriend.

This thread is going to be my catch-all for any venting, goal setting, goal tracking, food journals, etc. I find myself much more likely to succeed when I hold myself publically accountable for things, so I'm counting on all of you to hold me to my goals!


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## kpenn (May 30, 2010)

_I will edit this thread as I come up with more specific goals._

*NUMERIC GOALS*
- burn 375 calories in 30 minutes on the elliptical (fat burning setting)

*GENERAL GOALS*
- feel good wearing a bathing suit
- fit into that hot black dress I bought knowing damn well it wouldn't fit


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## kpenn (May 30, 2010)

_I will edit this thread as I come up with a more specific plan of action._

*PLAN OF ACTION*

_Exercise_
- Go to the gym at least 6 out of 7 days a week all summer.
- While at the gym, complete at least 30 minutes on the elliptical.
- Go to Zumba class at least once a week (Wednesday or Sunday).
- Walk to work whenever weather permits.
- When home in Windsor and unable to access the gym, go for a 1-hour-long walk each day.

_Diet_
- Keep a daily food journal.
- Do not buy any unhealthy snack foods to have around the house.
- Stop drinking pop altogether.
- Cook 2 main dishes on Sundays.  Freeze individual portions for lunch during the week.


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## kpenn (May 30, 2010)

_I will edit this thread as I complete tasks or think of more._

*TO BUY*
- hot lululemon gym outfit
- bathroom scale
- small book to use as food journal

*TO INVESTIGATE / RESEARCH*
- local adult hip-hop classes
- Reebok shoes


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## CandeeNova (May 30, 2010)

Good for you!!!

I am in recovery from an eating disorder that began when I was 19 and trying to lose weight.  I became obsessed with numbers and with losing weight for everyone else other than myself. During the process of my recovery, I realized what you've realized, that what's important is being healthy and not what other people think or say.  It's so important to love yourself 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





 and to take care of yourself because you want to live YOUR healthiest and happiest, not because someone else is pushing you to do so.  Something that I like to remember is that I can't help anyone or make anyone else happy, unless I've made myself happy first.
 Congratulations and I wish you the best of luck on your journey!


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## MACATTAK (May 30, 2010)

I just wanted to comment on how mature you are.  I've seen a lot of posts where things go wrong in a relationship, and people want to put the complete blame on someone else, failing to see how any of their own actions may have contributed to the problem.  I believe that it's when we can see our own downfalls that we learn and mature, possibly eliminating the same issues in a future relationship.  

I wish you the best of luck in changing yourself, and look forward to watching your progress.


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## nunu (May 30, 2010)

Just wanted to wish you all the best on your weight loss journey!


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## DaniCakes (May 31, 2010)

You can do it! I'm glad you are out of that relationship. Lose weight for yourself and definitely not for anyone else. I'm trying to lose weight right now too, so I know how you feel. Don't forget to have at least one thing that you want to eat once a week. This will help you with cravings and help you to feel less deprived. If you stay on track on all of your other days, one cheat meal won't hurt. God bless on your journey.


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## Simply Elegant (May 31, 2010)

I suggest buying a measuring tape as well. It'll help for the weeks when you plateau and don't lose as much as you want.


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## kaliraksha (Jun 1, 2010)

You can do it! Glad to hear you are doing it for yourself and so happy you are no longer with this guy. I will help keep you accountable by stopping by your thread periodically to see how it's going. Good luck =)


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## kpenn (Jun 13, 2010)

Hey ladies!  Thanks for the love and support; you're all the best!

I have a few updates.  A couple of weeks ago, I joined sparkpeople.com and I am just loving it to pieces.  A lot of the site's components are useless to me (i.e. tracking "points", etc.), but the food and exercise journals have been extremely beneficial.  I have figured out that I can eat way more each day than I have been, as long as I eat smart.  Turns out carbs have been the ultimate culprit in my diet.  What I thought was making me feel "full" (and therefore allowed me to eat less) was actually making me bloated and chewing up my calorie count for the day.  I've also completely cut pop out of my diet and I'm feeling great about that, although drinking 8 cups of water per day isn't quite happening just yet.  I feel like I'm going to drown by the end of the day!

I have been regularly attending the gym at least 6 days a week, even if I can only do my 30 minutes of cardio.  I already notice that I feel so much healthier, am sleeping better, and feel generally happier.  I also tried Turbo Jam for the first time about a week and a half ago, and I totally adored it!  Wow, I was so sore the next day that I could hardly move, but the combination of martial arts and dance worked muscles that clearly had not been worked in a long time!  I am going to try to attend Zumba once a week and Turbo Jam once a week, as well as keeping up with my normal gym routine.

I'm in the process of researching good drop-in hip-hop classes in Toronto.  Because of working 3 jobs, I can't commit to for sure attending the same night every week, so I'm searching for something fun and motivational that still offers me some flexibility.

I haven't actually weighed myself yet, because I don't want to get discouraged early on.  I feel like if I've worked this hard for two weeks and only see a minimal numeric difference, I will be disappointed.  Instead, I'm focusing on the fact that my clothes are already starting to feel better, and I'm busting out some summer dresses and shorts that I didn't feel confidant wearing last summer.  I take all of these as positive signs of improvement.

Tomorrow, I'm going to cook my two entrees for the week for the first time.  I've decided on chilli and vegetarian sheppard's pie.  They should hold up well for lunches and suppers for the next week.  I forgot how much of a bummer it is to cook for yourself!  I feel like taking a picture and posting it on Facebook just so that others can appreciate my cooking LOL

I also put aside a chunk of my last pay cheques to buy myself a new Lululemon track suit.  I'm so excited to pick something out!  My mom also surprised me with some new pants that she picked up from Costco.  I didn't have high hopes when she described them on the phone, but they turned out to be super soft and comfy for the gym!  At $20 a pair, I'm definitely going to be scooping up some different colours.  Nothing beats feeling cute while you're working out; I hate feeling frumpy, particularly in a place where there are so many mirrors!

Anyhow, my Internet is down at home right now so I'm limited to updating you when I'm at work.  Hopefully that will get fixed this week and I can be more diligent with my updates!


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## tottui (Aug 23, 2010)

good luck on your journey!! Please keep up posted!!!


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## PeachTwist (Sep 24, 2010)

Can I just say, although I don't know you, how proud I am of you?

I'm from Toronto myself and if I still lived in Canada (UK based now) I would totally do this with you!

You're an inspiration, please keep us updated!


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